Emergency Bible numbers? I'll stick to 911 and other real-world solutions

I thought this meme might be a good exercise for this page:

Upset?

John 14 talks about believing in Jesus, and how that belief will cause a spirit nobody can see or otherwise perceive to come to you. It also talks about how Jesus is the way to the afterlife, and if you only believe, you will live in a mansion after you die.

So...the advice for when you're upset is not to try to find a way to relieve stress or resolve your problems in the real world, but simply to believe in Jesus, and also believe that this belief in Jesus will result in rewards after you die. Oh, and a spirit will live with you and comfort you. Great advice, if you want to ignore the reasons why you're upset.

Weak?

Psalm 18:1-29 talks about how the God character in the Bible comes down from heaven, breathing fire and smoke, and smites enemies with lightning and arrows.

Now, when I was a kid, I was a believer. I was a lonely kid, socially awkward, made fun of a lot. I prayed at the time for aid in stopping people from making fun of me, but I didn't get any sort of treatment like this. Hell, I would settled for a simple stopping of the verbal torture, but it didn't stop. So excuse me if I don't buy this bullshit.

Take a self-defense class. Learn to deflect insults with comedy. Learn how to deal with bullies. Get help in dealing with bullies from adults. When you feel weak, there are ways to gain confidence. My way of gaining confidence was lifting weights. I got bigger and stronger, and it gave me self-esteem. Develop a talent and show it off. Work on a skill. You'll gain respect if you can entertain and impress.

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.Lonely?

Psalm 23. Yes, the whole "Lord is my shepherd" thing.

People who are lonely crave human interaction. Human touch. Human kindness. Faith isn't enough to kill loneliness. Gaining an imaginary friend is what crazy people do. Loneliness can make you crazy, but you could choose human interaction and be healthy. Join a social club of some sort. Make friends online, then agree to meet up. Find people with similar interests or worldviews, and socialize with them. Join a cause. Volunteer. There are all sorts of ways to fix loneliness that don't involve staying lonely, which is essentially what this meme recommends by pointing you to Psalm 23.

Sinned?

Psalm 51 is all about remorse and begging God for mercy.

As atheist, I don't believe in sin, but I do think that we shouldn't cause others harm, and we shouldn't harm ourselves. I also think we should put our efforts and resources toward helping people rather than hurting them. As such, when you do hurt someone, the way to make up for it is to do something nice for them, and make their world better in at least some small way. I don't following arbitrary Bronze Age rules to appease a mythical deity has any intrinsic value.

Worried?

Matthew 8:19-31 is about Jesus calming a storm and casting out demons.

I think the takeaway here is supposed to be to call on Jesus when you're having turmoil in your life, but how does that resolve real-world problems? Jesus calmed the storm through incantations. Magic. He cast out demons. Magic--used against supernatural creatures. Your real-world problems will not go away magically. They have real-world solutions, with the exceptions of incurable diseases, permanent injuries, or genetic disorders. Seek out those solutions. Magic will not help.

Anxious?

Phil. 4:4-9 This verse talks about rejoicing in the deity and reflecting on the teachings of Jesus.

All I can say is: Xanax.

Unhappy?

Col. 3:12-17 I get three things from this passage: sing religious songs, do charity, and be thankful to the deity.

I can do without two of those, although music (not confined to religious songs, which me unhappy) can go a long way toward improving mood. Charity can make you feel good, but what if the reason you're unhappy is that you're broke? More useless advice from the Bible.

In Danger?

Call 911. No, seriously, look at the following verse later; you need to call 911 if you are in danger. The Bible will not help you.

Psalm 91 is about the deity being with you in times of danger, especially in times of war and pestilence. I say again, if you're in danger, the last thing you need to do is read anything from the Bible. It's not going to help. This psalm is about magical creatures protecting you (angels), and that's not the real world.

Depressed?

Psalm 27 talks about how belief in the deity will protect a person from enemies.

I'm not sure what this psalm has to do with depression, but if you're depressed, seek professional help. The Bible will not prescribe you Prozac or talk to you about your problems.

Lack of faith?

Exodus 14 is about the parting of the Red Sea.

So...having faith in a myth about a miraculous event is supposed to restore faith? If you lack faith, how are you going have faith in a myth that requires faith to believe? Once again, we are called upon to believe in magic.

Others unkind?

John 15 talks about loving one another as believers.

I've had Christians treat me unkindly. How does this verse help with that? Reminding them? Maybe, but it doesn't stop others from being unkind.

Need courage?

Joshua 1 is about the deity commanding Joshua to lead the people that Moses had led previously out of Egypt into the "promised land".

Sure, have courage--then commit genocide. Great message . Remember: this book of the Bible is the beginning of the slaughter of everyone in the land of Canaan, so the Israelites could have their "promised land".

Need Direction?

Psalm 73:21-26 says nothing that gives anyone any direction for any real concern in life whatsoever. It's just about trusting in the deity. That's it. No practical advice for the real world at all.

Consult the Magic 8 ball. You'll get more reliable results.

Seeking peace?

Matthew 11:25-30 basically says that if you believe in Jesus, your burden will become light.

I guess they're talking about inner peace here, because I was thinking conflict resolution and diplomacy. For inner peace, someone might want to look into meditation, stress relief, and self-discipline.

Leaving on a trip?

Psalm 121 talks about the deity protecting you while traveling.

It gives you absolutely no practical advice regarding the taking of the trip. No tips or packing advice. Nothing, really.

Labeled an outcast?

Romans 8:31-39 is the "If God is for us, who can be against?" passage.

Today, in the United States, anyone invoking this verse has a delusional persecution complex. It's often invoked when trying to tread on separation of state and church.

Also, it doesn't give any practical advice on how to interact and get along in groups.

Struggling with loss?

Luke 15 is the parable of the prodigal son.

When I saw "struggling with loss", I assumed they were talking about grieving over loved ones, but they were talking about family member losing faith, maybe? I can't figure out where they're going here. That's a misleading item on this list.

Struggling financially?

Psalm 37 tells us to trust in the deity, and be righteous, and we'll inherit the earth.

There is not one bit of advice that will help you with financial woes.

Discouraged with work?

Psalm 126 basically says suffer through work, and you'll be rewarded.

This verse really applies to farming, which is hard work, and it's the only way you're going to have a harvest, and you'll be able to store food to eat in the lean times. However, most of us are not farmers, and working hard simply doesn't reap rewards directly these days. It would be nice if hard work meant you'd be able to live comfortably, but these days, people work hard just to get by. This verse makes me angry, honestly.

Not one bit of practical advice exists in this list of verses. I would argue that this statement is true of the whole Bible. I would challenge anyone to find practical advice for the modern world in this anthology of ancient literature.

Genesis 14

Genesis 14 (commentary below):

[1] And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;
[2] That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.
[3] All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.
[4] Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.
[5] And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emims in Shaveh Kiriathaim,
[6] And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto El-paran, which is by the wilderness.
[7] And they returned, and came to En-mishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites that dwelt in Hazezon-tamar.
[8] And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;
[9] With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.
[10] And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.
[11] And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.
[12] And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.
[13] And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eschol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.
[14] And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan.
[15] And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus.
[16] And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.
[17] And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king's dale.
[18] And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God.
[19] And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:
[20] And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.
[21] And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.
[22] And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,
[23] That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:
[24] Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.

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Melchizedek gave Abram tithes, but Abram refused anything from the King of Sodom, or at least, that's how I read this passage. I suppose this is significant in respect to what happens later to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Basically, we have city-states at war, and Abram claimed a major victory, using a slave army.

It would be interesting to know the details of how slaves were trained to be warriors. Were they taken young, trained to obey orders, unquestioning, completely loyal, knowing nothing else but fighting?

This chapter is a story about war and turmoil, about strategy and victory; but the implied take-away from it is that slavery was an integral part of life in Abram's time, and Abram was an owner of slaves. Remember, Abram (Abraham) is the father of three religions: Judaism, Islam, and Christianity, and he was an owner of slaves.

Freedom was not a value of God's chosen.

Sorry about the lag...but Noah!

Sorry I haven't kept up with this page.  I will be doing more today.  I just want to say that with the "Noah" movie out, there's been so much nonsense floating around about the flood story, which we've already covered here.  As such, I just want to stress that this story exists on a whole different plane of stupidity.  I know people hold the Bible sacred, and I know I'm shitting all over it right now, but I don't care.  If you're an adult, and you have actually read the flood story, and you actually believe it literally, you need to take a serious look at your grasp on reality.  First of all, let's look at the reasons for the flood of the entire Earth:

* Humans were wicked.
* Because humans were wicked, their corruption cursed the ground.  Let me repeat this, because it bears repeating: HUMAN CORRUPTION CURSED THE GROUND.  If you believe the Bible literally, you have to believe that human sin can corrupt both living things and inanimate objects, cursing them to wickedness.

Now, let's look at what the flood--which, I must stress, NEVER HAPPENED ON A GLOBAL SCALE--destroyed:

* "Wicked" humans
* Babies, who wouldn't have known what wickedness was anyway
* Every animal that didn't make it onto the ark.  Now, people have so much hatred for Michael Vick, but this Yahweh character is responsible for so much more cruelty, it's unconscionable.  Drowning isn't quick.  There's a few minutes of suffering there, and what the hell did the animals do?

Okay, that's enough, because it doesn't matter.  The flood did not happen.  There is no scientific evidence for a global flood.  But here's the thing: even if the flood story was literally true, what the God character in the Bible says afterwards invalidates his reason for doing it, and calls into question his omniscience.  He says that men will always have wickedness in their hearts, so he will never destroy the Earth by flood again.  WHAT??!?  You couldn't think of that before destroying everything?

And I'm here to say that whoever authored the book of Genesis was wrong.  Human beings are quite fallible, and they are capable of bad things, but for the most part, they just want to live their lives, love, have friends, maybe have kids, and grow old.  For every monster who bombs a federal building or a crowded event, there are literally millions (with all of the media reach) who pour out their generosity to help injured survivors and the families of deceased victims.

In any case, if human beings really were wicked at heart, the deity would only have himself to blame, since he claimed he made us in his image.

Genesis 13

Genesis 13

[1] And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.
[2] And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.
[3] And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;
[4] Unto the place of the altar, which he had made there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.
[5] And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.
[6] And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.
[7] And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.
[8] And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.
[9] Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.
[10] And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.
[11] Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.
[12] Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.
[13] But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.
[14] And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:
[15] For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.
[16] And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.
[17] Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
[18] Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.

_____________________________________

There are two things I take away from this chapter.

The first is "But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly." Didn't we go over this concept after the flood? Didn't this God character realize that men will always be wicked, and killing them in large numbers won't do anything to curb the wickedness? I happen to disagree with the idea that all human beings are inherently bad. For every bomber, there are hundreds, thousands, or even millions of people who rush to the aid of survivors and want to help the families of victims. For every natural disaster, there are volunteers who want to help clean up the mess and get survivors to safety. People are not inherently bad, clearly; the evidence we see before our eyes provides a stark contradiction to the claim of the God character in the flood story and in this one.

The second idea that seems contradictory to reality is the gift of the land of Canaan to Abram and his descendants--forever. The occupation of that region by the Israelites has been spotty over the millenia. It seems as though an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent deity would be able to find a way to persuade the people occupying that land to simply move, rather than be slaughtered. Essentially, this claim is wishful thinking, not a true declaration by a deity. If the deity existed, the land would be its gift to give, but since the Genesis was written by a human being, we get claims of what he felt ought to be, put into the mouth of the deity he worshiped.

Genesis 12

[1] Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

[2] And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
[3] And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
[4] So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
[5] And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.
[6] And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.
[7] And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.
[8] And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.
[9] And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.
[10] And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.
[11] And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
[12] Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.
[13] Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
[14] And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.
[15] The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.
[16] And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
[17] And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.
[18] And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
[19] Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
[20] And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

__________________________________

Now we're getting into the myth of Abraham, who was Abram still.

God sends Abram into the land of Canaan, telling him that he will give him the land and make him and his descendants (he is childless at this point, given that his wife, Sarai, is barren) into great nation--but then famine strikes the land. This famine occurs after Abram erects an altar to his deity, as well, making the famine even more senseless. Why not make this land hospitable, if it is to belong to Abram and his descendants?

Anyway, Abram goes into Egypt to escape the famine and lies to the Pharaoh about Sarai being his wife...why? How important was Abram that the Pharaoh even noticed him and his family? This is the stuff of myth; the woman is so beautiful, the god-man (Pharaoh was considered a demigod) notices her? Fairy tale stuff, indeed. Pharoah can have anyone he wants, but he wants Abram's wife. He also gives Abram and Sarai lots of stuff--makes them rich over his desire of a woman. This is a man who can have any woman in Egypt. He chooses Abram's alleged sister (wife). Sounds suspiciously like other myths--like the reason the Trojan War started.

And of course, God plagues Pharaoh, and Pharaoh knows automatically that it's because of Sarai. Does he kill Abram for the deceit? No, he casts him out--with stuff. And things. With cattle and possessions. Makes perfect sense.

This story has a parallel later in the Bible with a descendant of Abraham. It's a fictional device. The purpose of it escapes me, though. Why have the hero lie like this? Was it to stress how beautiful Sarai was, or was it to demonstrate how deception will fail? I'm not sure.

Genesis 11

[1] And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.
[2] And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there.
[3] And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them throughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter.
[4] And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.
[5] And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.
[6] And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.
[7] Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.
[8] So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.
[9] Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.
[10] These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:
[11] And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
[12] And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:
[13] And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.
[14] And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber:
[15] And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.
[16] And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg:
[17] And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.
[18] And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu:
[19] And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters.
[20] And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug:
[21] And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters.
[22] And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor:
[23] And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
[24] And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah:
[25] And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.
[26] And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran.
[27] Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot.
[28] And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.
[29] And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.
[30] But Sarai was barren; she had no child.
[31] And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there.
[32] And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran.
________________________
We come now to the tower of Babel story. The history of languages contradicts this story. Language evolved as people migrated away from each other--slowly. Words were similar in the most ancient of writings, and additions came with differences in the regions. People needed new words for things that didn't exist in the ones from which they migrated. Language changed over time and with separation, but not all at once. The research shows it was clearly gradual.

The real point of the Babel story is that religion feared ingenuity, as reflected in the God character's fear of people being able to do anything they could imagine doing. Scattering people all over the planet was futile, since people had the capacity to learn each other's speech,and they clearly traded. There's no archaeological evidence for the tower of Babel; it's clearly a myth to explain foreign languages and to warn against too much ingenuity.

We have a bunch of begats, naming people we'll forget later, and then we come to Abram, Sarai, and Lot, who are majory players in future stories. Much is made of Sarai's infertility. We'll see why later.

Genesis 10

Genesis 10
[1] Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood.
[2] The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras.
[3] And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah.
[4] And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.
[5] By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations.
[6] And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan.
[7] And the sons of Cush; Seba, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtecha: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan.
[8] And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth.
[9] He was a mighty hunter before the LORD: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD.
[10] And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar.
[11] Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah,
[12] And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city.
[13] And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim,
[14] And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim.
[15] And Canaan begat Sidon his firstborn, and Heth,
[16] And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite,
[17] And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite,
[18] And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad.
[19] And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha.
[20] These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations.
[21] Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born.
[22] The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram.
[23] And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash.
[24] And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber.
[25] And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother's name was Joktan.
[26] And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazar-maveth, and Jerah,
[27] And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah,
[28] And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba,
[29] And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan.
[30] And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east.
[31] These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations.
[32] These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.
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That Nimord....so mighty. Wow.
This information might be interesting for archaeological purposes. Some of these places actually exist or existed at once time. It would be interesting to know their archaeological history and how consistent it is with this account.

Genesis 9

Genesis 9
[1] And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.
[2] And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.
[3] Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
[4] But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.
[5] And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.
[6] Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.
[7] And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.
[8] And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,
[9] And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
[10] And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.
[11] And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
[12] And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
[13] I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.
[14] And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:
[15] And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
[16] And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.
[17] And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.
[18] And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.
[19] These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.
[20] And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:
[21] And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.
[22] And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
[23] And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.
[24] And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.
[25] And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.
[26] And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
[27] God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
[28] And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.
[29] And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.
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Noah and his sons (the wives didn't matter) receive the command to re-populate the planet. According to a literal translation of the Bible, every person on the planet descends from Noah's family. The human genome project does not concur.

God encourages the eating of meat at a time when animals good for food need to replenish their numbers. Never mind the predator-prey relationships that would have made herding animals extinct, followed by their predators. Ken Ham tells us that the predators were scavengers after the flood, consuming the corpses left behind by the flood, but as was pointed out in a previous post, any bodies would have skeletonized well before a year.
There's some nonsense about shedding blood at the hands of men and beasts, but then we get into the real craziness: God gives a speech about how he's never going to flood the Earth again, then talks about putting his bow in the sky. This story is a rather fantastical and farcical way of explaining rainbows. Obviously, the author of Genesis knew nothing about light refraction. The only explanation an apologist might try in this case would be to offer that light refraction didn't exist until that time, which is not only absurd, but also unsupported by any evidence--and contradicted by other evidence, such as the evolution of the eye and nervous system to correct for light refraction.

Finally, we get to this story about how Noah's youngest son gets punished for seeing his father passed out from being drunk. There is no explanation regarding why this is such a grievous sin, the son and his descendants are condemned to being the servants of the descendants of the older brothers.
In summary, the story of Noah is full of holes. It is inconsistent with reality, and ultimately, unnecessary, given that it turned out to be futile. We have also learned that Old Testament punishments are unnecessarily harsh and, inexplicably, inheritable.

Genesis 8

[1] And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged;
[2] The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
[3] And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
[4] And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
[5] And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
[6] And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
[7] And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
[8] Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
[9] But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
[10] And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
[11] And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
[12] And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
[13] And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
[14] And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
[15] And God spake unto Noah, saying,
[16] Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
[17] Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
[18] And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
[19] Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
[20] And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
[21] And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
[22] While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
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The first few verses of this chapter make it clear that the author believed the Earth to be flat. It talks about a wind blowing the water off the edge of the Earth--that's a flat Earth.

Seven months after the rain stopped, the ark gets stuck on the mountains. This is terribly inconvenient, since the water certainly would not have been still, and the boat would have been torn to shreds because of the waves. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that the ark came to rest on already-exposed mountains. I suppose.
But wait! The next few verses talk about how it took three additional months for the tops of the mountains to show. The ship would have been shredded. No doubt. The moon didn't go away. There is no way the water would have been still. This story already has so many holes, it's about as believable as the Santa Clause myth, but this part of the story just flies in the face of common sense.

I'm sure there was some significance to the dove finding the olive leaf instead of the raven, but it's really not relevant to whether or not the Bible is accurate (it should be obvious by now that a literal interpretation is most certainly not accurate). What is relevant is the notion that after ten months under water, an olive leaf is available for a dove to pluck off of the tree. Leaves take six months to decompose under normal conditions. An interesting experiment would be to submerge an olive tree and see how long it takes to die and decompose.

Noah, his family, and all of the animals leave the ark, and somehow, every species migrates to every part of the world from there. Noah makes burnt offerings of representatives of species that have been decimated by the flood. Seems a bit irresponsible, but the smell of it pleases God so much, he decides that even though man is wicked from an early age (allegedly), he will not destroy every living creature ever again. So...killing every person except the righteous Noah didn't get rid of evil in human beings, making the flood completely futile and stupid. Why save Noah and his family if evil lived on in his descendants?