Emergency Bible numbers? I'll stick to 911 and other real-world solutions

I thought this meme might be a good exercise for this page:

Upset?

John 14 talks about believing in Jesus, and how that belief will cause a spirit nobody can see or otherwise perceive to come to you. It also talks about how Jesus is the way to the afterlife, and if you only believe, you will live in a mansion after you die.

So...the advice for when you're upset is not to try to find a way to relieve stress or resolve your problems in the real world, but simply to believe in Jesus, and also believe that this belief in Jesus will result in rewards after you die. Oh, and a spirit will live with you and comfort you. Great advice, if you want to ignore the reasons why you're upset.

Weak?

Psalm 18:1-29 talks about how the God character in the Bible comes down from heaven, breathing fire and smoke, and smites enemies with lightning and arrows.

Now, when I was a kid, I was a believer. I was a lonely kid, socially awkward, made fun of a lot. I prayed at the time for aid in stopping people from making fun of me, but I didn't get any sort of treatment like this. Hell, I would settled for a simple stopping of the verbal torture, but it didn't stop. So excuse me if I don't buy this bullshit.

Take a self-defense class. Learn to deflect insults with comedy. Learn how to deal with bullies. Get help in dealing with bullies from adults. When you feel weak, there are ways to gain confidence. My way of gaining confidence was lifting weights. I got bigger and stronger, and it gave me self-esteem. Develop a talent and show it off. Work on a skill. You'll gain respect if you can entertain and impress.

.

.Lonely?

Psalm 23. Yes, the whole "Lord is my shepherd" thing.

People who are lonely crave human interaction. Human touch. Human kindness. Faith isn't enough to kill loneliness. Gaining an imaginary friend is what crazy people do. Loneliness can make you crazy, but you could choose human interaction and be healthy. Join a social club of some sort. Make friends online, then agree to meet up. Find people with similar interests or worldviews, and socialize with them. Join a cause. Volunteer. There are all sorts of ways to fix loneliness that don't involve staying lonely, which is essentially what this meme recommends by pointing you to Psalm 23.

Sinned?

Psalm 51 is all about remorse and begging God for mercy.

As atheist, I don't believe in sin, but I do think that we shouldn't cause others harm, and we shouldn't harm ourselves. I also think we should put our efforts and resources toward helping people rather than hurting them. As such, when you do hurt someone, the way to make up for it is to do something nice for them, and make their world better in at least some small way. I don't following arbitrary Bronze Age rules to appease a mythical deity has any intrinsic value.

Worried?

Matthew 8:19-31 is about Jesus calming a storm and casting out demons.

I think the takeaway here is supposed to be to call on Jesus when you're having turmoil in your life, but how does that resolve real-world problems? Jesus calmed the storm through incantations. Magic. He cast out demons. Magic--used against supernatural creatures. Your real-world problems will not go away magically. They have real-world solutions, with the exceptions of incurable diseases, permanent injuries, or genetic disorders. Seek out those solutions. Magic will not help.

Anxious?

Phil. 4:4-9 This verse talks about rejoicing in the deity and reflecting on the teachings of Jesus.

All I can say is: Xanax.

Unhappy?

Col. 3:12-17 I get three things from this passage: sing religious songs, do charity, and be thankful to the deity.

I can do without two of those, although music (not confined to religious songs, which me unhappy) can go a long way toward improving mood. Charity can make you feel good, but what if the reason you're unhappy is that you're broke? More useless advice from the Bible.

In Danger?

Call 911. No, seriously, look at the following verse later; you need to call 911 if you are in danger. The Bible will not help you.

Psalm 91 is about the deity being with you in times of danger, especially in times of war and pestilence. I say again, if you're in danger, the last thing you need to do is read anything from the Bible. It's not going to help. This psalm is about magical creatures protecting you (angels), and that's not the real world.

Depressed?

Psalm 27 talks about how belief in the deity will protect a person from enemies.

I'm not sure what this psalm has to do with depression, but if you're depressed, seek professional help. The Bible will not prescribe you Prozac or talk to you about your problems.

Lack of faith?

Exodus 14 is about the parting of the Red Sea.

So...having faith in a myth about a miraculous event is supposed to restore faith? If you lack faith, how are you going have faith in a myth that requires faith to believe? Once again, we are called upon to believe in magic.

Others unkind?

John 15 talks about loving one another as believers.

I've had Christians treat me unkindly. How does this verse help with that? Reminding them? Maybe, but it doesn't stop others from being unkind.

Need courage?

Joshua 1 is about the deity commanding Joshua to lead the people that Moses had led previously out of Egypt into the "promised land".

Sure, have courage--then commit genocide. Great message . Remember: this book of the Bible is the beginning of the slaughter of everyone in the land of Canaan, so the Israelites could have their "promised land".

Need Direction?

Psalm 73:21-26 says nothing that gives anyone any direction for any real concern in life whatsoever. It's just about trusting in the deity. That's it. No practical advice for the real world at all.

Consult the Magic 8 ball. You'll get more reliable results.

Seeking peace?

Matthew 11:25-30 basically says that if you believe in Jesus, your burden will become light.

I guess they're talking about inner peace here, because I was thinking conflict resolution and diplomacy. For inner peace, someone might want to look into meditation, stress relief, and self-discipline.

Leaving on a trip?

Psalm 121 talks about the deity protecting you while traveling.

It gives you absolutely no practical advice regarding the taking of the trip. No tips or packing advice. Nothing, really.

Labeled an outcast?

Romans 8:31-39 is the "If God is for us, who can be against?" passage.

Today, in the United States, anyone invoking this verse has a delusional persecution complex. It's often invoked when trying to tread on separation of state and church.

Also, it doesn't give any practical advice on how to interact and get along in groups.

Struggling with loss?

Luke 15 is the parable of the prodigal son.

When I saw "struggling with loss", I assumed they were talking about grieving over loved ones, but they were talking about family member losing faith, maybe? I can't figure out where they're going here. That's a misleading item on this list.

Struggling financially?

Psalm 37 tells us to trust in the deity, and be righteous, and we'll inherit the earth.

There is not one bit of advice that will help you with financial woes.

Discouraged with work?

Psalm 126 basically says suffer through work, and you'll be rewarded.

This verse really applies to farming, which is hard work, and it's the only way you're going to have a harvest, and you'll be able to store food to eat in the lean times. However, most of us are not farmers, and working hard simply doesn't reap rewards directly these days. It would be nice if hard work meant you'd be able to live comfortably, but these days, people work hard just to get by. This verse makes me angry, honestly.

Not one bit of practical advice exists in this list of verses. I would argue that this statement is true of the whole Bible. I would challenge anyone to find practical advice for the modern world in this anthology of ancient literature.